“I have a feeling 2018 is gonna be a good one for you.” -my mom like 20 minutes ago
She’s a smart lady. I’ve had painful year and I’ve talked about that a bit on here. But I’m learning from my mistakes and I think the most important and valuable thing 2017 taught me is that things needed to go really really badly so that they could eventually go really really well.
I needed to sit in the sadness of rock bottom so I could find the strength and confidence to dig myself out. I needed to lose everything. I needed to lose myself to re-establish a true north. I needed to shatter into hundreds of thousands of pieces. I needed to be alone for awhile so I could appreciate community and the hearts of good, genuine people again. I needed to get to the brink, and hang my toes over the edge. I needed to taste the blood in my mouth on the way up the mountain.
I needed to suffer.
And suffer I did, for the better part of 2017.
But then. Then it eventually calms. It lifts and lets up. Because eventually it’s enough.
“…All I hope is my willingness to clean it up is enough.”
It was enough to make me move to Colorado; to the real mountains. It was enough to take my hand and guide me off the ledge. It was enough to leave a burned and broken relationship.
The end of 2017 was when things started going really really right.
My mom knew all of that when she deemed 2018 my year. She knows the pain I’ve felt; she heard it in my voice day after day after night after night when I’d sob uncontrollably into the phone. When I couldn’t breathe between words.
But now, here, on the other side of all that pain, I am so thankful for it. I want that pain to know that I heard it and I felt it and I’m learning from it.
It taught me how to treat other people and myself. The misery of 2017 taught me the importance of finding happiness first, then finding someone else to share it with. It taught me there is love and happiness and clarity after loss—like, a whole shitload of it, and to not be afraid of it. (And it will come if you’re waiting, I PROMISE.)
I don’t know my early 2017 self anymore and I don’t want to. I love this life out here, the people I’ve met, and the adventures I’ve been on, even if it took some heartbreak to get it.
Twenty eighteen is going to be f*#$ing amazing because I say so. And my only goal is to enjoy the hell out of it. Who is with me? Follow along on my adventures. I love sharing.
Push on, PUSH ANIMALS >>> And Happy New Year!