I’m Ok, For What It Is

I cared just enough that it hurt when he said he’d had enough; enough of us and enough of this thing we were doing. Dating, dining, adventuring.

Somewhere in some parking lot my heart sank and my throat tightened. My palms started sweating. I shook my head at the steering wheel, at the situation, at my luck, at no one in particular. This wasn’t happening. Not again. 

My fingers found the AC and dialed it up; I hoped the cold air would push the tears back into my eyes or dry them up. Whichever came first.

He said we were done and he decided it then and there. It only took two minutes to make two of the best months of my life feel like a lie. I felt foolish for falling so easily a second time and for giving away a healthy portion of my heart again. I’d gotten to a place, I thought, where it was worth the risk. But I’ve been wrong before.

I cradled my phone and let out a breathy “Why…?” 

I could tell he was on speaker as I listened to him list all the things I’d done wrong the past two months. Things I did do and others I didn’t. His voice echoed in the lofty kitchen we shared meals and stories and new friendships and a little bit of life. I turned the AC up higher, and by the end of his tirade my face was numb, and honestly I’d had enough of me, too.

The lasts I didn’t know would be our lasts flashed through my mind: hikes, dinner dates, long car rides, sappy posts. I felt foolish and fucking sad all at the same time. 

But.

Unlike my first heartbreak, I’m ok. I am ok. I am.

I’ve overcome so much in the past year and a half, so I breathed everything out and I wiped my face one final time with a sweater sleeve. I turned the AC back down, tucked my phone into my backpack, and I drove away. I drove away from everything he’d said to me and about me. I drove away from the hurt.

I’m alright for what it is and what it was. I’d thought I found my person, but I think what I really found was more of myself and the strength to keep looking and keep growing and keep trusting I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m supposed to be.

When I finally made it home—a drive I barely remember—I was happy to find an empty house. I’d been totally stripped and I needed a little alone time to process and shower away the past hour.

I’ll begin again, I decided, because I’ve done it before. And I’m strong enough. Finally.

Push on, PUSH ANIMALS >>>

10 Replies to “I’m Ok, For What It Is”

  1. My goodness, what a painful read. My first red flag was when he started listing things that are “wrong with you.” Nothing is wrong with you, and that is an unnecessary way to break things off. If anything its a test of his character to make a “list” or wrong doings. To hell with him, and I praise you for picking yourself up and learning from this. The heartaches are always hard, but as you said you continue to learn in the process. I admit I’ve not put myself out here in almost 5 years…yes…5. I don’t really know how to start to be honest, and this comfort zone I’ve built is nice, but you continue to inspire me to seek more in life.

    1. I can’t tell you how much you and your comments mean to me ❤ The dating thing is hard, in general, because it puts us in such a vulnerable place. It's so easy to get hurt. But I think there's magic in meeting new people and figuring how what kind of person makes us happy and also makes us better at being OURSELVES. So thankful for you, friend.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s