Every time someone asks me “how are ya,” I say what everyone else says whether it’s true or not, “Pretty good. How about you?” I could’ve stepped in dog doody on the way to work and I would’ve still said “good.” Knee jerk, ya know?
But I dug into it the other day. I feel like I’ve been operating outside of myself for so long.
And I really had to think about it—I had to take inventory of mind, body, and spirit—because there’s a lot going on around here. And I think this about sums it up:
I moved! So that’s big. Part of me is really sad about it; I loved living with my cousin and her husband, I loved living in sleepy, suburban Louisville, CO, and I loved the endless miles of running trails. Part of me is happy because I’m closer to work, to more beautiful trails and mountains, and the Boulder crowd is a bit little closer to my age.
^^^ I am the worst at assembling things. This took probably 40 minutes longer than it should’ve.
Another part of me—the biggest part—feels like I’ll never be fully settled here. Anywhere. No place has been my place, and nothing really feels like home. I’m living in a stranger’s home, sharing furniture I’ve never sat on, dishes I’ve never eaten off of, pots I’ve never cooked with, a half bath I’ve never been in. I used toilet paper to dry my hands the other day because…am I supposed to use his hand towels or not?
How am I? I’m in limbo.
And the job thing. The job(s) thing. I spend 40 hours per week at one job slinging shots, brewing pots (heh), and ogling expensive bikes, and another 20 sitting in on brainstorms, learning the ins and outs of Slack, and flexing my writing muscles again. They’ve atrophied a bit, if we’re being honest, but it’ll all come back eventually.
How am I? Lucky.
A couple months ago I wasn’t sure how I’d continue to support myself with one job—how I’d be able to afford this new apartment when I was getting ready to move from Louisville to Boulder. It’s expensive out here. And this part-time writing job has been a blessing, not just financially or professionally, but personally. It’s easing me back into a career I desperately needed a break from.
How am I? I’m doing my best.
My favorite thing is a run or bike ride in the morning…and that hasn’t happened as often as I’d like. My days start very early and don’t usually wrap until the sun sets. And then it’s dark. And freezing. And that’s made it difficult to get in any sort of training. It’s affecting my mood, and self-confidence, and endurance, and my connection to these sports that I consider a big part of my identity and happiness.
^^^ Early morning workouts. I usually get in about 40 minutes.
A week or so ago I got sick of those excuses, so I’ve been doing my best to get up before the sun for a frigid run or a sweaty HIIT workout. It’s going ok so far, but I’m craving a more consistent schedule.
^^^ The mountains are just steps away from my front door. Hell yeah.
How am I? Exhausted. But better for it.
I’m loving new people. Boulder is quite a melting pot, interest-wise. Literally everyone is white and the diversity sucks, but everyone is into something, whether it’s sports, music, art, business, cooking, baking, etc. I love learning about the people I meet and what they’re good at. One of my co-workers used to work in art fabrication and another is a professional triathlete. It’s crazy and awesome.
^^^ This week’s was amaranth. #DROOLCITY
One of my new friends bakes us bread every couple weeks and it’s some of the best bread I’ve ever had. I wish I had the patience for this kind of art. But I’d rather just eat it.
So, you know, I think I’m OK for now. I am trying to figure out what I want from this place. I ran away from Florida because, at the time, I didn’t feel like I had any other choice. I was drowning. And now that I’ve run and I’ve stopped running, I want to find out how I fit in here or whether or not I’m forcing myself to fit in here because…I’m here.
The limbo thing…remember?
Enough about me. How are you?