A Little Honesty

Things are really good, but sometimes they’re not, and that’s ok. Let me wash my hands real quick and we’ll have a chat…

^^^ Simpler times when I wasn’t panicking about Coronavirus.

I’m really nervous about the Coronavirus.

I’m anxious and overwhelmed. I’ve never felt so threatened by an outbreak as I do with Coronavirus. I know I have a robust immune system. I know I am lucky enough to be in my 30s, which is one of the least vulnerable age brackets to a fatal outcome of contracting the virus. I know I have the ability to work from home when and if we are asked to do so, and I know my paychecks and 401k contributions and healthcare coverage will not be affected unlike so many of those who work in service industries. But I can’t stop obsessively searching “coronavirus in Colorado” every 45 minutes to stay up to date on the known cases near me. It’s spreading quickly to counties all around us and now one closest to me as of a few hours ago. Tuesday there were 10-12 cases and today there are almost 50 presumptive positives; I have a feeling there are tons more we just aren’t aware of yet. I know I’m doing everything I can—washing my hands, observing social distancing, cancelling travel plans—but when reports of “inevitable diagnoses” get thrown around, I don’t truly know whether my precautions are effective or not. I went to the grocery store this evening and the tension was palpable. No one smiled, everyone was rushing; it felt like a state of emergency in action. Canned items, toiletries, granola bars, boxed milk, water—they were all sold out like an apocalypse is coming, and I felt a sudden urge to stock up, too. I bought my things and got out of there as fast as I could.

I’m also scared for my family, especially my parents. As much as I hate to think about it, they are old. They are vulnerable. They are in a highly populated area of Florida, and I can’t imagine how I’d feel in one of them caught this thing.

How are you feeling about it?

On top of all this, I miss running like a runner.

My Dystonia has progressively gotten worse over the last eight years and last week after a truly horrific outdoor run and then another one last night on the treadmill—not sure I can even call them runs—I wondered if 2020 would be the year I’d have to give up this sport for good. There is no cure for my disorder. There is no treatment that has provided me any real relief or improvement. I’ve done my best to come to terms with it, but how do you give up on something that makes you feel the most free and alive and strong? Or used to? I’m dealing with those emotions right now in a big way on top of all the ones I’m feeling with Coronavirus.

I hate being single.

Friends and family are getting married and having kids left and right and I haven’t been on a date in over two years. I haven’t given myself a shot at it either since I got dumped HARD. During that time, I felt worthless and unworthy of a life with a partner because I’ve screwed up so badly in the past. I also refuse to join dating apps, which feels limiting. Is that the only way people meet each other these days? Ugh. I feel icky just thinking about dudes judging the hell out of me based on a few photos. So that’s something I’m struggling with.

Sometimes I feel guilty for moving far away from my family.

I’m missing seeing my niece and nephew grow up. I don’t see my parents every other weekend like I used to. Everyone looks just a little bit older every time I visit, and I struggle with giving up a lot of time with them to live out my own life across the country. I think about this a lot.

That’s enough unloading on a group of strangers who didn’t ask for it.

Share below if you’re feeling in an honest mood.

One Reply to “A Little Honesty”

  1. Hey girl—thanks for sharing this. I’m glad I’m not the only one low key freaking out about this. Have you had races cancelled? I have and am super bummed. Luckily only a 5k so not bad but still. Also a lightning game I was also looking forward to. 😦 sorry to hear the running has been a struggle for you lately. Keep staying positive! Sending hugs to you on the single thing. It’s hard. I have decided to jump on bumble and it’s actually pretty cool. I’m really enjoying it! It is kinda weird how this is how we’re meeting ppl now, but I’m keeping an open mind. Only on one app and sticking to it. Feel free to text or call me anytime!! I love pen pals with you too ❤️

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